I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
