Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
