Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
