If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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