lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
