I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
