I think I died a long time ago.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
