By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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