How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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