I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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