i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
