thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
