Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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