I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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