So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
