Having a random hookup so left but love u
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
