he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
