I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Sober January is a disaster.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
