then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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