I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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