you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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