i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
