apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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