You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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