Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
