I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
