awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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