next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
