1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
