I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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