you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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