If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
