Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
