I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
