New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
