you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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