On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
