God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
