just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
