i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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