My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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