he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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