At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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