My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
