yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
