it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
