I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
