nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
