im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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