Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
