I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
