I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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