I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
