She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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