my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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