Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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