Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
