I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
