The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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