Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
