Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
